I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
