Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
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Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
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So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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