that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
