never play flip cup with pint glasses
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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