I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
