It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Randomize
