he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
