Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
