i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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