Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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