im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
