we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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