There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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