burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
