Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
