Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
