Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
