I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
