awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
