SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Can you bring me the toilet please
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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