I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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