Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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