the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just had sex on a roof
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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