im six kinds of drunk right now
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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