i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I feel like abortions should bother me more
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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