i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
