I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
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You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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