you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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