At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yo dont text me then not text me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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