i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
