im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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