i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
