This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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