I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
