i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
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i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
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I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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