capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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