Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
