got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
