If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
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