Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
