when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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