The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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