so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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