He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
