i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
