i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
