I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
