Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
