how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
