You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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