Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
