Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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