Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
