If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
