At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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