I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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