Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
